


That Explains It

by Ellynne



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 17:11:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10598463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellynne/pseuds/Ellynne
Summary: Snow and Emma walk into the pawn shop. Or do they? A fixit for Mother's Little Helper.





	

Belle’s pleas fell on deaf ears.  Emma was smug and self-righteous as she declared that Gideon had a death wish and she was willing to fulfill it.  As for Snow White, the fairest of them all thought a little Texas Chainsaw Massacre would be great mommy-daughter bonding time.

Two shots rang out.  Emma and Snow crumpled.  Only, they weren’t Emma and Snow.  Zelena and Cora lay dead on the pawn shop floor. 

“Oh,” Rumple said.  “That explains a lot.”

The shooter, his face in shadow as he stood in the doorway, put away his gun.  “You’re kidding me, right?  The real Emma would fight off a shark to rescue a socially maladjusted porcupine with poisoned quills.  She was there with Papa when I died, and you think she’d be gunning for my baby brother? “

Belle gasped as he stepped into the light. “ _Neal!?_ ”

Rumplestiltskin’s older son gave hear a familiar smile.  “Hey, how’s my favorite stepmom?”

Rumple was staring at him.  “You’re real?” he asked.  Incredulous he reached out across the counter, as if unaware of the barrier between them. “You’re alive?”  Then, he stopped, his eyes narrowing.  A small, leather satchel appeared in his hand.  He reached in and pulled out a pinch of sparkling dust that he threw at Neal.

Neal sneezed and blinked, getting dust out of his eyes.  “Papa!  What was that for?”

“De-transformation powder,” Rumplestiltskin said, racing around the counter and catching his son in a bear hug.  “It would have shown if you were someone else.  But, you _are_ real!  You’re alive!”

“But, how are you alive?” Belle asked. “And why were Zelena and Cora disguised as Emma and Snow?  And what’s Cora doing alive, anyway?”

“Zelena convinced Hades to let Cora back into the land of the living,” Neal said.  “She’s been sneaking around causing all kinds of trouble since then.  Haven’t you noticed people acting really out of character?  That’s been her—except when it was Zelena.  Those two really like to cause trouble.”

Belle stared in horror at the dead women as dozens of events fell into place.  Emma had been there when she gave birth.  Unless it wasn’t her.  Had they both been there?  Had one of them been Hook?  She felt sick at the thought (and wondered why she hadn’t felt sick at the thought of Hook being there.  It almost had to be some kind of spell, didn’t it?) “But, Zelena said Cora went on to a better place.”

 Neal rolled his eyes.  “And you believed her?”

“Regina saw it, too.”

“Oh, yeah, and she’s trustworthy.”

“She’s changed, Neal.”

“That’s what they all say.”

“Neal. . . .” Belle began warningly.

Rumplestiltskin stepped in quickly before the family reunion turned ugly.

“I never heard the details,” he said.  “What, exactly, did Regina say happened?”

“Cora said she was sorry for being a bad mother and disappeared in a ball of light.”

Rumplestiltskin mulled that over.  “So, nothing that couldn’t have been done with a few lighting tricks and low budget special effects?  Magic both Cora and Zelena were up to, even if Hades didn’t help them out?”

“Er, when you put it that way. . . .”

“And, we’re talking Cora,” Neal said. “I never met her, but she murdered how many people?  And left babies to die? I think it takes a bit more than ‘Sorry, my bad,’ to cover that.”

Rumple added, “And, fond as I’ve become of this town, I don’t think anyone would call it ‘a better place,’ so we can rule out Cora spending her afterlife here, if anyone was going to suggest that.”

Belle had to admit that was a good point.  But, it brought up another question.  “Neal, don’t take this the wrong way, but why aren’t you dead?”

“Oh, that.  They needed someone to send Cora back.  So, here I am.”

“But, you said she left the Underworld when we did.  Why did you only get here, now?”

Neal shrugged.  “You know how it is.  There was a ton of paperwork to fill out.  And they wanted testimonials.  Seems they sent some random guy out before. I heard it was some nutjob who just happened to be standing around. Zeus asked if anybody knew him, and Dionysus said, ‘Sure, one of my top worshippers. Awesome guy.’ So, Zeus grabbed him, gave him the job, and set him loose.”

“Dionysus,” Belle said. “The god of drinking.”

“And all night keg parties.  Seems the guy got back, went on a bender, and couldn’t remember anything about why he’d been sent back in the morning.  That’s why they wanted a few more character references the next time around.  And the interviews!  I spent three hours being cross-examined by the Furies.”

The Furies, the dog-faced goddesses of vengeance with poisonous snakes for hair.  When mortals ignored justice, they were the spirits who righted wrongs.  With extreme prejudice.

Neal sighed. “In the end, I got fed up and told them I didn’t care what they decided.  Dead or alive, I wasn’t letting anyone hurt my family.  Turned out that’s what Furies like to hear.  One of them, Tisiphone, gave me the gun.”

Tisiphone was the avenger of crimes of blood.  Murderers were her rightful prey.  Of course, she’d have a gun. 

“Really?” Rumplestiltskin eyed the gun with professional interest.  “She prefers a glock?”

“Nah, she preferred a semi-automatic with laser-targeting loaded with hollow-tip, armor-piercing bullets with a coating of acid-based poison.  But, she said maybe I’d want something a bit more low key, so she gave me a glock.  But, she gave me the name of some folks who could fix me up with something better later, if I want.  Said I’d get a discount if I mentioned her.”

“Hmm, I wonder if that’s the same family I’ve done business with. . . .”

“You can discuss guns later,” Belle said, firmly. “Right now, we have two dead sorceresses on the floor and your brother and grandmother to deal with.”

“We can call Whale.  He likes dead bodies.”

Neal looked slightly ill.  “When you say that, you don’t mean—”

“I mean he’s the town coroner,” Rumplestiltskin said. “He’ll be glad to clean up.  In the meantime, we need to figure out how to save your brother and take out your grandmother.”

“Oh, no problem,” Neal said, pulling out a small, glass box.  It had a neatly printed label that said, “In case of Evil Fairies, break glass. “Tisiphone gave me this, too.”

“Fair enough,” Rumplestiltskin said.  “It’s about time we had a family outing.  Does that sound good to you, Bae?”

“Count me in. But, can we get pizza, after?”


End file.
